I don’t know where to begin.  But as I sit here, this day has ended with a woman and her 6 year old living with us!?

Yeah, I have to say that the year 2010 has really been the worst year of my life and I really had hopes that 2011 would signal the beginning of a fresh start, new life, some kind of NORMAL!  Yet, in the last two days of this year. . . it feels as if 2010 is thumbing its nose at me and saying that I am still in for the ride of my life.

I wish I could even describe the series of events that has developed in the last three hours, but I am still trying to wade through the information and process it.  And right now, in the few minutes that I have alone, I feel this incredible need to document it and write it down so that I don’t feel so completely swept away in this madness!  It is just me and my children plus one.  Steven is gone.  The mom is gone (to file a police report) and I am alone, spinning in the implication of what this all may mean for my life, this new baby, and our reality.

So, please pray for my sanity!  PRAY for this mama, who sought a safe haven with us for her and her daughter.  Please pray that I can listen to God’s voice in all of this and that I can sort out my own discomfort and my plans as these next days unfold.  All I know right now is that our home has been opened up to her indefinitely, and I am feeling very scared and overwhelmed by it all.

The ugly truth is that one part of me wants to help and protect this little family, while the other is just plain ‘put out’ by it all.  Yet, I keep thinking to myself ~ why is this happening now.  Why, as I am at the end of a pregnancy, at the end of my year, at the end of my rope ~ why am I being asked to do THIS!   I am filled with anxiety above and beyond NORMAL!

Instead of nesting, I will be rearranging rooms and furniture.  Instead of relaxing before this baby comes, I will be trying to sort through all the changes that come when someone lands on your doorstep.  Instead of planning the rest of school for the year, I may end up adding one child to homeschooling.  Instead of finding room for the baby, I have to find room for an adult and another child ~ indefinitely.  Instead of being relaxed, safe and comfortable in my home, I will be constantly worried that someone may be bringing harm to my family.  It is not a normal situation in the best of times.  But add the dysfunction, the emotion, the personality differences, the baggage. . .and well, you can imagine.

Having gone through this past year of death and destruction, I have been searching for some form of peace in the next year to come.  ESPECIALLY, since being pregnant and about to deliver a new baby in January, I feel even more certain that my faith is being tested in ways that I could never believed possible. Yet, here we are. . . with two additional people in our home, that quite frankly, we don’t know all that well.  It feels like we are moving forward blindly.  And I don’t feel like I have much of anything left to give right now!

No baby yet. . . thank goodness!

I had contractions until I went to bed, but made sure to call Steven (who was out and not at home) to let him know what was up.  Luckily, he came home and ended up at a neighbors for a glass of wine, so he was literally across the street.  I wasn’t too worried.

I woke up a ton last night as usual, feeling the baby move, and having some false labor signs. . . I ended up with a bad headache that is still hanging in there with me.  I am completely exhausted too.  I literally kept thinking “I just need this to stop” and it finally did, but oh boy it takes a toll on the body.  I feel as if all my energy has been depleted and like I am awake, but in a kind of fog.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update, so that ya’ll didn’t think that I was having this baby yet.  For me, NORMAL gestation is OVER 40 weeks.  I can’t get my mind around that right now, especially since that could mean another SIX weeks of being pregnant.  OMG!

And I have finishes another two paintings and need to get working on another one!  I just want to feel like I am accomplishing something, since I now move at a snails pace.   I update with photos when I can.

I know, I know ~ I am not getting too worried or excited, but I am having contractions.  It is officially one week too early for the baby to be considered term at 37 weeks.  In fact, I think that I am exactly 36 weeks today.  

DONE  


Met with a pediatrician today that will come to the hospital and check out the baby.   She supports our much educated and researched (out of the main stream) choices.


Ordered all the NB cloth diaps I need and repaired the rest (still need to wash)


Packed the kids suitcase today (still need to do mine)


Finally ordered the mama cloth pads that I needed as well as other essentials online.


All clothes and blankets and car seat covers washed (car seat needs to be installed)


Printed out birth plan, contact numbers and made all plans.

NOT DONE


Chosen a name for a boy or girl


Shaved legs (I can’t reach them)


Belly cast


And several things that were mentioned on the above list (loose ends)

But since these darn contractions started, well ~ it is making me crazy.  I am sure that this is all just false labor.  Being pregnant 5 times will tend to do that to a body.  And perhaps I am just being naive. . . but I am going to bed and see if it stops.  That is what my midwife would tell me to do anyway, and I certainly don’t have any crazy obsessive urge to get things finished or cleaned.  That is usually my telltale sign that a baby will be born soon.  I get downright anal and start barking orders like a drill Sargent.  

But being online has helped distract me a bit.  It has given me an opportunity to write down what is happening, so that I can look back in another 4 weeks and say ~ THAT WASN’T really IT!

Okay, I have two winners and an announcement for the final 25 days of Christmas giveaway! 

As promised in the post a couple of days ago I am giving away 2 GIFTS!  I have to say that I am curious as to how many people will be online today.  I had such a great response with the last giveaway, that I thought that I should do MORE tiny canvas.  So here they are . . .

I know that many of you will have better things to do on Christmas ~ but I was inspired to paint over the last couple of days (even with a wicked cold) and I came up with something that I think is super cute. Now, I realize that not everyone experiences JOY this holiday ~ me included ~ so I figured, why not at least have CUTE reminder of what the days ahead may hold.

I chose to make this a non traditional color scheme, since you may wish to have it up year round.  OR, if you are super stylish, perhaps you decorate out of the “normal” color scheme for the holiday. . . so very chic of you!

And the final reason that I decided to paint another set of jubilant canvases was due to the last giveaway response.  I am thinking that this may be a permanent collection addition to Beyond Words Designs in the future.  I will certainly take requests if you are interested in having something like this commissioned for a holiday (ANY HOLIDAY in fact)!  And without further stalling. . . . . . . . . here is just one of the things I will be giving away for Tina’s 25 days of giveaways!

Now you will have to come back on Dec. 25th if you are hoping to win this baby.  And there will, of course be another little sumin’- sumin’ to giveaway as well, since I am just so amazingly Generous!

I can’t believe it ~ I have lost Amelia’s locket!  The one that is so precious to me!  My friend gave it to me with her initials engraved on it.  I keep a lock of Amelia’s hair in it.  I wear it constantly.

Yesterday, I was on the computer ~ after running errands all morning ~ and I reached down.  I do this several times a day. . . unintentionally, just to feel the locket and connect with my baby girl in some small way.  It reminds me of her, that a piece of her is still with me.  I am so used to it, that I didn’t notice it missing until yesterday morning.  I reached ~ it was gone. . . only a chain was left.  An empty chain that used to hold my daughter close to me.

So, I frantically searched.  I went to my room and searched the bed.  Since I am now at the stage of pregnancy where I am constantly tossing and turning at night ~ in a fruitless attempt to get comfortable for longer than 30 minutes ~ I simply figured that it was there.  It wasn’t.

I tore apart my house.  I had the kids on a treasure hunt with a cash reward for whomever found it.  NOTHING!   It is NOT in my house!  So, I am left with the bitter realization that something precious to me is simply out in the world ~ LOST!

Perhaps someone will come upon it.  Perhaps it won’t be thrown away. . . but the thought of something so special not being with ME is killing me.  The idea that it will be trash to someone else is more than I can stand right now.   What if someone opens it and takes out her hair and just lets it fall to the ground in some random place?  Back to the earth to be swept up by the wind or worse.  And right before Christmas.

I know the rational part of me is saying:  ”You have her ashes, you have more hair. . . it isn’t really her anymore, but just a reminder.”  Yet the emotional part of me says:  ”You were careless.  You lost something and will never be able to get it back.”  I hope that these voices in my head will stop soon so that I can just start grieving again in peace.

Here is a peek of Luke’s painting.  Lori’s rainbow baby due in early January 2011.  I wish I could find the photo that I had to coordinate this with so you would have a better idea of how it will look in the room!   This is a Giant piece (24×36) that will fit perfectly over Luke’s crib.  It was so much fun to paint!

Well, I am in my 35th week and now I am officially gonna have to start getting ready for this baby.  I wish I could say that I have names picked out, but that is still where I am having a mental block.   I am doing other things, like washing clothes, trying to figure out arrangements for my kids when I go into labor and patching up some of my old cloth diapers.  The elastic is shot in many of them after being in storage for 4 years, so I have a bit of work ahead of me.  I also made a pair of wool booties out of a secondhand sweater!  This was a first for me, but since our house is so darn cold with keeping the thermostat at 60 degrees (saving $) I figured that this baby would be needing something more than socks.

I also have visited the second hand store quite a bit and found some awesome deals.   However, I still need a diaper bag and would welcome some advice from anyone out there who has some amazing diaper bag that they love.  I am willing to splurge on something that will last for several years and has all the pockets for storage.  I also want something that will clip onto a stroller handles, which is a feature that I think will come in handy.  I need enough room for cloth diapers, since they are more bulky than disposables.   And since I have not had a diaper bag in 4 years, I am still trying to figure out what is the best bang for my buck.  Any suggestion?

I have been so consumed with my ‘to do’ list and just being Grinchy, that I have neglected to remind myself of the many blessings that we have been given.  There are blessings big and small, and regardless of what most people may believe about being  a Christian ~ I have to consciously CHOOSE to see the good.  Yes, that is right . . . I have to make a real effort (most days it doesn’t work) to cast a light on the good things in our life.  Of course, this blog hasn’t really been the place for me to focus on that.

After living a life full of constant transition, change and adjustment (my least favorite things) for the last 4 years ~ I have become even more cynical ~ if that was even possible.  I am, by nature a pessimist.  I am the epitome of “this darn glass is less than half full, discolored, and cracked” and I know that it can cloud my judgement ~ as my thoughts are strained through this unattractive sieve of mine.  But, that is just something that I have to work on.

Since becoming a Christian, I can honestly say that I have had those A-HA moments in my relationship with God, I have felt the Holy Spirit wash over me, and I have been given a promise of redemption.  Thank God HIMSELF that I am not judged for my attitude, but instead forgiven.  I am saying all this because ~ again ~ I am working on it (trying to and failing daily) ~ this attitude that taints my world and has proven more and more of a lead coat that is too heavy to take off.  I am not saying that Amelia’s death has no rightful place in my perspective. . . on the contrary ~ I believe it does.  What I am saying, is that it is hard to be this person right now.  The person who reads other blogs where people are happy ~ or at least pretending to be, and not feel that I am missing out on something very important.

Honestly, there are moments that I wish that life could be HEAVEN already.  Don’t you think that would just be better all around?  But it isn’t and I have to get over that.  I wish I could move forward into that happy place where this pregnancy is ‘joyful, light and filled with anticipation.’  But I am just not there.

I am preparing, because I don’t want to be caught with nothing done.  However, with each cloth diaper that I repair, each baby outfit that I wash, each ‘baby item’ that I realize that we will still need comes that inner dialogue.  You know the one:  ”Will this baby live or die?”  ”Will I get to hold a healthy newborn and use this stuff?”  I never in a zillion years thought that I would be having to try and quiet these thoughts in my head, but I do.  I struggle daily with them.

But again, I have to make a choice.  A choice to remember the blessings that we have and try and focus on the greater possibility that this baby will live rather than die.   I have to focus on not visualizing another funeral, last photographs, putting all this little persons belongings in a box.

And during the Christmas season, there are abundant blessings!  We have experienced an outpouring of giving that both Steven and I are so very grateful for.  God is showing His love for us through others and I have to CHOOSE to see it.  It is there, and God keeps whispering, “I haven’t forgotten you, my beloved, see I am giving you gifts ~ please CHOOSE to see them.”