I don’t know where to begin. But as I sit here, this day has ended with a woman and her 6 year old living with us!?
Yeah, I have to say that the year 2010 has really been the worst year of my life and I really had hopes that 2011 would signal the beginning of a fresh start, new life, some kind of NORMAL! Yet, in the last two days of this year. . . it feels as if 2010 is thumbing its nose at me and saying that I am still in for the ride of my life.
I wish I could even describe the series of events that has developed in the last three hours, but I am still trying to wade through the information and process it. And right now, in the few minutes that I have alone, I feel this incredible need to document it and write it down so that I don’t feel so completely swept away in this madness! It is just me and my children plus one. Steven is gone. The mom is gone (to file a police report) and I am alone, spinning in the implication of what this all may mean for my life, this new baby, and our reality.
So, please pray for my sanity! PRAY for this mama, who sought a safe haven with us for her and her daughter. Please pray that I can listen to God’s voice in all of this and that I can sort out my own discomfort and my plans as these next days unfold. All I know right now is that our home has been opened up to her indefinitely, and I am feeling very scared and overwhelmed by it all.
The ugly truth is that one part of me wants to help and protect this little family, while the other is just plain ‘put out’ by it all. Yet, I keep thinking to myself ~ why is this happening now. Why, as I am at the end of a pregnancy, at the end of my year, at the end of my rope ~ why am I being asked to do THIS! I am filled with anxiety above and beyond NORMAL!
Instead of nesting, I will be rearranging rooms and furniture. Instead of relaxing before this baby comes, I will be trying to sort through all the changes that come when someone lands on your doorstep. Instead of planning the rest of school for the year, I may end up adding one child to homeschooling. Instead of finding room for the baby, I have to find room for an adult and another child ~ indefinitely. Instead of being relaxed, safe and comfortable in my home, I will be constantly worried that someone may be bringing harm to my family. It is not a normal situation in the best of times. But add the dysfunction, the emotion, the personality differences, the baggage. . .and well, you can imagine.
Having gone through this past year of death and destruction, I have been searching for some form of peace in the next year to come. ESPECIALLY, since being pregnant and about to deliver a new baby in January, I feel even more certain that my faith is being tested in ways that I could never believed possible. Yet, here we are. . . with two additional people in our home, that quite frankly, we don’t know all that well. It feels like we are moving forward blindly. And I don’t feel like I have much of anything left to give right now!