I hate the word ‘miscarriage’. It makes me feel like the baby I carried was somehow ‘less than’ a baby. Like she didn’t really matter.
When I had my miscarriage at 6 weeks, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I was expecting my cycle and it just never came, so naturally, I took about 5 pregnancy tests. All of which told me that I was NOT pregnant.
We had just moved across country, were not exactly living a stress free life, and had just recently discussed possibly being done with our family and babies. Except . . . I wasn’t done. I wanted another baby and the thought of my husband’s stress combined with our uprooting our lives was a lot to take in. I was so unsettled and just wanted time to have things feel normal again. I figured that I was missing my period because of stress.
But then my miscarriage started. The cramping was like nothing I had experienced before, and after a day, there was no mistaking that there was a baby that didn’t make it. I was devastated. I was numb. I was in a whirlwind of emotional upheaval. My husband’s combined immediate relief was another blow. It took me days to finally cry and when I started, I didn’t stop for weeks.
No one saw this life as a person. A little baby that we missed and that I desperately wanted. It was just a blip in the flow of normalcy for most people. I had begun to hear a lot of stories of how friends had miscarriages and how seemingly easy it was for them to adjust to. Like it was normal and a non-event. Unfortunately, I think our society plays a gigantic role in brushing off early pregnancy loss. 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in loss, and this kind of ‘move on and get over it’ ideology only adds to the pain.
I want to change that by creating a special journal that pays attention to the LIFE that existed. I wanted pages that spell out the details, that allow me to name my baby, to perform a memorial ceremony, and to record my feelings.
Most importantly, I want to give my child a concrete place outside of my heart and memory to exist. If you would like to see more about this journal, you can find it in the shop. You can also take a detailed peek at the pages inside in this post.
I hope that it finds its way into the many hands of mother’s who need it as I do. I can’t think of a more appropriate blessing to give a mother after her loss, than to acknowledge the importance of the life that left too soon.