Post Traumatic Stress happens when you experience a traumatic event and results in symptoms that can make you feel pretty crazy (problems relating to others, difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being “jumpy” or easily startled are just a few). Basically, you are a great big ball of stress and anxiety and you cannot anticipate when it will get worse or just how a trigger will increase these symptoms. That is just all part of the experience.
Before having children, I had my first experiences with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). When I was 13 years old, I watched my father die of a heart attack as my mother and I attempted to give him CPR. He was 37. You can imagine how much fun my formative high school years were.
The next time I faced PTSD was in my late 20’s. I was a very green therapist who looked up to the seasoned professionals that I believed would help me in my calling. Then one day, the director sexually harassed a co-worker and I. We both walked away stunned and changed. Things got legal very quickly and the whole organization imploded. I was left reeling, unemployed and experienced terrible episodes of PTSD.
It took a long time for me to resolve my PTSD through therapy and self care and I thought that I would never feel that horrible again. Well, I was wrong.
The death of my daughter in 2010 brought on new episodes of PTSD. While dealing with my grief I became extremely anxious about the safety of my other children. I could be performing a normal task and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of doom would strike. My blood pressure would rise, my breathing would become shallow and I would have a desperate need to touch and feel each of my children in that moment, just to make sure they were alright. My children would roll their eyes and let me perform whatever ritual made my symptoms better (kissing their little faces seemed to help). And as the years passed, I felt better. Less ‘crazy’ and more settled. But like grief, anxiety has a way of never really going away entirely because {at least I believe} they compliment one another.
The bliss of living a life without tragedy was not in the cards for me. And as you read this, I imagine you may recognize someone in your life that this may resonate with. You cannot experience death without processing the emotions that accompany it. The fallout of your experience colors your outlook on life and changes everything. Again, this is just all part of the experience.
I will always live with the fear of being widowed {like my mother}, being hurt by a stranger, and loosing another child. It doesn’t dominate my life, but I do expect PTSD to occasionally come and visit me again.
Why you ask? There are drugs, therapies, etc. Why not try and ‘fix’ yourself again? The simple answer is . . . I am not broken.
I will always have occasional feelings of anxiety given the fact that death is not abstract concept for me. It is a painful reality. The past is part of me and I have learned to live with it. It does not make me crazy. It does not mean that I am over loosing my father or child. It does not mean that I get a ‘FREE from all heartache’ pass for the remainder of my life.
It means that I accept my reality. I choose to find ways to live with the things I cannot change. I strive to move forward, knowing that I will always look back. I will never ignore or forget the most beloved people I have lost. They are part of my past and I remember them daily and count on seeing them again in the future.
It is called coping. And it has taken me a very long time to realize that I have been doing it exactly right over the years. So, how do you cope with those emotions that you have little control over?
