An echo rolls around in the caverns of my mind. When the sound softly dies down I begin to realize that the quiet silence is sometimes the answer.
I wrote a post a few days ago about trying to find the meaning in things once again. Some of the biggest questions in my life boil down to one word ~ WHY? And for most of my life that “WHY?” has plagued me. It is that noisy echo in my brain: Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why did Amelia die? Why do so many bad things happen at once? Why do some of the best things in my life seem so random? Why do I deserve mercy? WHY!?
I have given this a lot of thought, prayed for answers, cried oceans of tears and I have come to a place where I have peace. For me, God’s love and grace settles in when I am frantically searching for the answer. It doesn’t stop the pain of not knowing, but it does give me pause to know that I will one day be able to ask Him.
This is a gift I never thought I would get. And for this I am grateful because I remember the time in my life when peace was all I wished for. And it was always there, just waiting for me like the hand of a parent reaching out to steady a newly walking toddler . . . I just didn’t reach out for it.
During the darkest times of my life, I pulled away from it. Shrinking back from the love and the peace because I needed the anger. The grief and rage of loosing a child to death was alive and electric for me. The anger was real and gave me reason to push back, to challenge, to be bold in the hurt, to effect change in her name. And like a small child, I could not see the picture as a whole, but only the piece that I was experiencing. God hasn’t taken away the grief which still surges up to rear it’s ugly head. . . but I have peace to face it. I deal with it in the moment and then move to a place of acceptance. I accept that I won’t know these answers now.